Abandonment to Unconditional Love
August 4, 2022
Dear God, good morning. I’ve been writing about my life and how difficult it was for me to survive Orchard Home and other foster homes. At the age of fifteen, I had to endure the agony of abandonment when my parents put me up for adoption. I was devastated. Then I shut down from the world. Even though I was functioning as a teenager, my heart was broken into many pieces deep inside me.
I had no identity or ambition to return to the swim team. Nothing mattered to me, only sneaking out at night to stay with my girlfriend and get drunk. I was numbing my pain. And alcohol worked. It was intoxicating. It took the sad memories away. At Orchard Home, I was grounded almost every weekend. It appeared because I was a runaway and doing whatever I wanted. I didn’t care about being grounded. I still did whatever I wanted because I could. And there was nothing the councilors could do with me. I was uncontrollable, rageful, sad, irritable, and annoyed with Orchard Home. I wanted out. I would also miss some girls like Maura Scott, Milly, Lisa Ford, and a few other girls.
A few months later, I was in a meeting with my counselor Joan, who was an extraordinary woman at Orchard Home. Joan and I discussed what I wanted. I told her I wanted out of Orchard Home. Joan explained to me that a woman by the name of Peg Kirby wanted to adopt me. Peg Kirby wasn’t married. I had no emotions; I felt empty on the inside. I did not know what I wanted because I was still shocked that my biological parents had given me up for adoption.
The day I was meeting this woman Peg Kirby, my counselor Joan explained that Peg had adopted four other kids. I thought I’d do anything to get out of Orchard Home. To be adopted meant I would have a new family, Joan explained. What about my siblings, Sunflower, Willy, and Denise? Will, I’ll ever see them again? I thought they were gone for good. Would Peg allow me to see my sibling? When I first met Peg, she was this tall, beautiful, shapely woman. We met in Joan’s office. I felt nothing. However, I agreed to be adopted. F***, my birth parents are what I thought, and they never loved me anyways. Peg appeared happy when she met me. I don’t know why. I was still a runaway, sleeping at my girlfriend’s house, getting high. I ran away from Orchard Home so many times.
Peg Kirby was the head of the Department of Social Services. She read reports about my upbringing and parents abusing me, and Peg knew everything about me. All Peg wanted to do was give me a chance to be part of her family. After meeting Peg, I started to like her, she was kind, nurturing, and giving, and most importantly, she was very loving towards me. I wasn’t used to her love for me. Peg wanted to know how I was feeling all the time. I did not know how to respond to her. I wasn’t used to being loved by any adults. Peg had her hands full with me. To be continued