Bipolar and Alcoholism
May 13, 2022,
Dear God, good morning. Went to a meeting this morning. I was feeling lost. Maybe it’s the depression coming back. I feel lonely. Why do I feel this way? I hate it. In the year of two-thousand and five, I was diagnosed with another illness, bipolar 1. It sucks having this illness. My girlfriend took me to the hospital because I had a bad episode of mixed emotions. When I discovered that I was labeled Bipolar, I was pissed off at the doctor. I was in a manic state of being angry, and I didn’t know how to calm myself down. My energy level was off the charts. My brain was thinking fast; I could not stop thinking. When I met with the doctor, he tried to explain what was happening to my mind. I thought I was okay. I told the doctor off, and he sat there and said calmly that they had a bed for you. I said I wasn’t staying in the hospital.
He said they had a day program, which I could benefit from. I was angry at the doctor and social worker and didn’t want to do a day program. I thought I was okay, but the doctor kept saying I was suffering from this new diagnosis and that they would put me on medicine to calm me down. I told them I would take medication and attend the group meetings at the hospital. After attending the groups, I told my sponsor at the time I was being over-medicated. I was nodding out in meetings. I stopped the medicine because it wasn’t working for me.
I went to another doctor, told her my life story, and wrote it out for her. She didn’t give me any medicine to calm me down. In front of my girlfriend Denise, I told the doctor, “I don’t know what’s happening to me, and if she doesn’t give me anything for the anxiety, I don’t know what will happen next. Then I hung up the phone with the doctor. Five minutes later, she called me back and told me to come down to the office, and she gave me medicine that worked. I was feeling calm.
The doctor left her practice when I returned to her the following month. Now, I was left with no follow-up doctor to prescribe me medicine. Then I went into a dark depression, going from mania to depression, and without any medication, it was not good. I finally got help at the Mass General Hospital in two thousand ten. I could not spell my name. That’s how depressed I was. Dr. D helped me out great because they have a Bi-Polar Clinic. Dr. D has saved my life. She gave me the proper medications for me. She’s still my doctor today. The medicine helps me with my severe mood swings and depression. My depression has not left me, and neither has my mania, but I channel my emotions towards you, God. I try to turn my life over to you, which helps me immensely. Writing to you gives me hope, joy, love, peace, and safety.
I have to pray for my friend Gerald, a “Spiritual Giant.” Gerald has the Grace of God in him. Gerald had a lung transplant which went very well. However, his lung is failing. They must clean out his lungs every week. The poor man is tired of struggling with the whole procedure of cleaning his lungs out. Gerald loves you so much. Please keep him out of pain. Both Gary and I met Gerald at the 319 meetings. Gerald always said good morning to both of us. He’s a gentleman with a lot of faith, and now he’s letting go of the treatment. Gary is taking a train out to see Gerald. They became good friends, and they talk almost daily. Gary loves Gerald like a brother, and I’m sure Gerald feels the same way. Gerald was excited that Gary would visit him. We’ll talk to Gerald today to see how he’s doing.
I’m feeling better now that I wrote to you, Sweet Jesus. I love you, love me.