Anger and Resentment
November 24, 2022
Dear God, Good morning. I was at the 319 meetings, and the topic was anger and resentment. How to deal with those emotions. When I was drinking, I would get angry quickly. And hold onto resentments against people. I quickly snapped at people, especially my husband.
My behavior was off the charts. From one to ten, I was feeling anxious. That’s why I drank alcohol because I wanted to drink too. There are no excuses to drink anymore. I hit rock bottom.
I was sohba in two-thousand and two, and I was sohba in two-thousand and five. I was free from alcohol. I went to a psychiatrist and told her about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (PTSD) and about my childhood trauma. And without alcohol in my system, my anger and resentment against my biological parents glared its ugly head again.
I wrote a two-page report for the psychiatrist and left her office angry. My girlfriend Denise, who is gorgeous, was hanging out with me at my place. When I got home from the psychiatrist, I was rageful, and I called the doctor and told her I didn’t know how to control my anger and that I was having flashbacks of my childhood. And I need help. I told her, “I don’t know what the f*** is wrong with me!” The outrage was uncontrollable.
The doctor said, “Come down here. I have a prescription for you, and I went down to the Health Center, and she gave me a prescription. The doctor handed me a clonazepam prescription, one milligram, taken three times a day.
As soon as I took medicine, I calmed down with no swearing, no frustrations, and my anger disappeared. I was living in a beautiful house in Winthrop, Massachusetts. My back deck had a large jacuzzi, and I had an ocean view of Boston Harbor. I was still sohba and feeling all these emotions of sadness, frustration, and anger. The medicine clonazepam helped, but I needed medicine for my uncontrollable outbursts of anger and frustration.
One day I was at Club 24 for a happy hour meeting. At the four o’clock meeting, at least forty people were in the meeting. My girlfriend Jessica, Denise, and I sat together in the meeting.
There was a guy named Tom who stood up and went to get coffee, and he turned around and said, “Oh Geri, you’re so F***** spiritual!” I stood up in the meeting, yeah, M******F*****. Then Tom said, “You F*** most of the guys in this room.” I said, “Sorry guys, the answer is No.” And my friend Jessica said out loud, Well, at least they are of age. Then I said, “Get the F*** out of the meeting, you F**** pedophile.”
Tom exited the meeting fast! I left the meeting shaking with rage and went upstairs to the member’s area at Club 24. to calm myself down. Then a female member confronted me about being a judge, jury, and executioner, and I said leave me alone. When a sex offender hides in our meetings where there are children, I speak up.
I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Tom confronting me in a meeting was not my fault. And Tom has a record of a child sexual abuser. His presence and knowing about his history. Plus, I would not be verbally abused by a sex offender and accept unacceptable behavior from anyone.
Then my dear friend Jessica said, “Let me take you somewhere.” I trusted Jessica with all my heart. And we got into her minivan. She took me to a hospital in Lynn, Massachusetts, called Bay Ridge Hospital, and Jessica thought I needed to be committed to the hospital.
” I said, ” No way with the men in the hospital unit.” No F******* way. I was still angry about what had happened in the meeting. The doctors asked if I could participate in a day program for weeks. I said, “Sure, I can do that.”
The first day I did not show up at the hospital. I thought it was a joke and took my girlfriend Denise to visit Don, a male friend of mine. Then when I got home, the hospital called and said if I did not show up to their day program, they would call the police and have me admitted.
So I went to the day program very angry. I met with three people that morning, the Doctor, a Nurse, and a Social Worker.
I swore in the meeting. I questioned Dr. S, “Why the F**** Am I here?” Dr. S said, “Geraldine, do you see how angry you are?” I said, “I don’t belong here.” Then the doctor asked me, “Can you try and go to groups here for at least a week?” I said, “Sure.” They put me on medicine to calm me, and it worked. I attended the groups. And hated them.
Then the doctor asked if I could try and finish the program for another two weeks. I did not like the idea, but I did the rest of the program.
I left the group and was calmer and more productive. My mania is terrible, and I become combative very quickly. The medicine worked, and I was sedated with the medication.
I had a sponsor Sandy who was sohba for eleven years. She is still a love bug. I told her I had resentment against a pedophile Tom in the fellowship. Sandy said not to go to meetings that Tom attends. She also said to let go of the situation. You are powerless.
I never let go of the problem, and that guy Tom came to me three years later and apologized to me quietly in the meeting. I shook my head up and down, and he knew it still bothered me. He’s now on my resentment list.
There are no coincidences that I have to review my fourth step, and I’m going to use “The Recovery Bible, New Living Translation.” It writes about the fourth step. My resentments list again. Gary’s letting me use his, The Life Recovery Bible. Dr. Deriousa has been my doctor since two-thousand and six. That’s over sixteen years. I could not spell my name when I was depressed. Dr. Deriousa is from the bio.
Today I still see a psychiatrist at Mass General Hospital in Boston. I love my doctor, and she keeps me balanced and understands. She’s an excellent psychiatrist and treating my bipolar Wow, finally, a doctor who understands me.
I don’t get manic as much, but my depression lingers on, and I’m not as depressed or manic anymore. Thanks to my doctor. Thank you, Jesus, for healing all my emotional wounds. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Love you!