Godletters
Adversity,  Fear,  mental illness

Being Afraid in Recovery

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November 8, 2022

Good morning, Dear God. Today’s topic today is “Being Afraid.” I have always been afraid my whole life, and I ran on “self will-run-riot” since I was a child. When I was three, my mother forced me to eat oatmeal for breakfast, but it was lumpy and hard to swallow. I refused to eat the oatmeal, and my mother said, “You’ll eat this for dinner.” Since childhood, I was always fearful of my mother’s scorn. She always scared me, especially when she was drinking alcohol.
My siblings and I feared both of our parents when they were drinking booze. Arguments between my parents were scary to watch, then one of them would use us as a pond on a chess board. Our safety was at stake if we ever took our father’s side.
I tried to be close to my mother, and she refused me as a daughter. I feared adult’s my entire life because of how my mother treated me and how she psychologically and physically abused me. It felt as though she hated me with a passion. Every time she would yell, I would shake inside my body.
When I was born, I weighed three- pounds. I was a premature baby because my mother would drink alcohol while she was pregnant with Denise and me. Poor Denise weighed only a pound, and my mother was a very sick woman.
One evening when my father was working, my mother got upset with me, for what reason I do not remember. I was little, and she went into a rageful state of mind. My mother lifted me against the kitchen wall with both hands and started choking me. At first, I felt the pain in my neck, and  I remember kicking my legs back and forth because I could not breathe.
Then I stopped kicking, and my body felt nothing. I felt my body go limp in her arms. I remember hearing myself giggling as a little girl would giggle. Then there was this light. Everything that surrounded me was the color yellow. People who have life-death experiences speak about the white light. Maybe it was your white light, Jesus. I felt no pain whatsoever while my mother strangled me. What I experienced was laughter and joy being in her arms.
The next thing I remember was my mother leaning over my body, slapping my face to wake me up. It felt like hundreds of needles stinging my face. I felt terror when I came to, and I was back with my mother, who was trying to kill me. I lived in total fear of her revenge!
I know the scripture in the Bible says, If my mother and father disown you, God will take me in as his daughter. I believe this to be true. The Bible writes, “Nothing bad will happen to you. No disaster will come to your home. He has put his angels in charge of you. They will watch over you wherever you go. The Lord says, “If someone loves me, I will save him.” Psalm 91:10-11,14
Dear God, you did save my siblings and me by taking us away from our mother when we were little. The memories of her hurting us still linger in my heart. Gary told me maybe I had to experience the pain from my past to help someone else out who’s been abused too possibly.
Suppose that’s my journey to possibly help others who have been abused, such as myself. If it’s, you will, God. Let it be your will.
I am fearful about my car and need to take it to another mechanic to double-check the engine. I also have a warranty on the transmission and most of the engine parts. Being a woman, I need all the warranty I can get. Yesterday I changed my car insurance, and now my car insurance is ninety-one dollars a month, and I was paying one hundred and seventy dollars a month with All-State. Please guide my thinking and actions today as I am still trying to quit smoking cigarettes. Thank you, God.

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