August 31, 2022

Good morning, dear God. I hope that you can heal the depression I get in the afternoons. Yes, the depression is rearing its ugly head again. I can’t stand it, and it hurts my heart. People who don’t get mental illness are so lucky. Depression feels like a dark cloud lingering over my head. I don’t want to be around people, so I retire to my bedroom, where I can sleep the pain away. It puzzles me that I have to go through this again.

Please help me to help myself. Maybe Gary and I can watch a movie this afternoon to keep me from going to my room. I need coping skills, and I need to keep the 319 AA meeting on all the time now in the background.

I went online to the 319, and everyone sounded happy and useful. Meanwhile, I feel hopeless. I have hope in you, Jesus, that you will help me find ways to cope with the depression. I need to research others who are coping with their depression. Thank you for Google.

At four this morning, we were talking about the fourth step. Beautiful Terri has me doing only ten minutes daily to write my fourth step down. Right now, I’m focused on the causes. Cause of what others have done to me and causes I’ve done to them. It’s taking me a while now to write out my fourth step, maybe because I got stuck in the past writing about my biological parents. The causes would hurt then I would stop writing. I know Terri wants the best for me, and she’s not one to put pressure on me. Terri knows I’m struggling to write about my parents.

So, we’ll skip them and work on the next person, my sister Denise. Oh boy! This should be interesting. I love my sister Denise a lot. Please, God, help her out. She’s struggling with her addiction. She wants help, and she deserves support. She needs a female sponsor to guide Denise in staying clean and sohba. I don’t want my sister to die out there—another statistic of going out one more time. Dear Jesus, please watch over my sister Denise. I don’t want her kids to say horrible things about their mother if she dies from this disease. She’s sick, not bad. We’re sick people trying to get well, not bad people trying to get good. Then they die from overdoses. And they leave behind a legacy of hopelessness. People are dying of fentanyl, an opiate that has killed at least thirty of my friends.

My generation and the next generation are dying from fentanyl. A week before my dear friend Danny died, we were Face Timing each other. We were talking about everything and anything. Danny was sohba for over thirty years. Yet he went out using drugs, and his heart exploded. OMG,

I miss Danny; he was a stand-up guy. He had an incredible voice when he sang karaoke, and we had fun. He would have cookouts at his place, inviting everyone from our fellowship. Danny, I miss your humor, thank you for always answering your phone, and helping me out when I needed help, you were always there, and I Love you, brother. I never got into the drug, but that is yet for me. If I pick up a drink and use drugs, I can die. Love you, Jesus.

Today I read the Bible and found it to be extraordinary. I loved reading about how you touched the lives of people who suffered from leprosy, blindness, deafness, and for the dead to rise again.

The Sermon on the Mount writes the Beatitudes:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven

Blessed of those who mourn, for they shall be comforted

Blessed the meek, for they shall inherit the earth

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for there is the Kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account, Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

The Beatitudes are incredible, and it is what I needed to read this morning. There is a Kingdom of heaven for the people to receive these blessings. God is merciful, and people will be blessed with love and mercy. Everyone who believes in the Beatitudes surely must believe in you, Jesus. I truly believe that the Beatitudes were meant to change people’s hearts. And I believe in miracles that when you touch a person, they are healed. They could walk again, the blind being able to see for the first time, and leprosy disappeared from a person’s body.