Faith and Bipolar
July 9, 2022
Dear God, good morning. I know very little about the Bible, and I am hoping to join a church in my neighborhood soon. Gary said there’s a church that only says, “Just Church”. I would like to check out that church. Today’s reading is about, “Faith”. I sometimes question how strong my faith is with you, God. I know in my heart that I love you and that you rescue me from myself. I do have faith in you, it’s blind faith. I can’t see you God, but I believe you are with me when I’m writing to you. Sometimes I question my faith. I think everyone questions their faith. I believe in your teachings of peace, love, joy, faith, and fellowship. In God’s Promises for every day writes, “Come to me and listen; listen to me so you may live. I will give you the blessings I promised to David. So you should look for the Lord before it is too late; you should call him while he is near.” Isaiah 55:3,6. 10-11.
Over the years I’ve been subconsciously searching for you Jesus, I’ve yelled out to you Jesus, “Please get me out of this pain that I feel in my heart.” I just didn’t believe in you for a very long time. And I’m sorry. I thought the fellowship would keep sohba. The fellowship kept me sohba for ten years. I was in College studying Social Work at Salem University, and working as a nanny and going to the fellowship. I loved being in College, I Loved to learn, I was a school junky. Loved my major in College. Then I hit a road block. I went into another deep dark long depression for months.
When my sister Sunflower came home from Israel, I couldn’t do my job, my sister took care of the children; when I went to Salem Hospital, no one would help me. I left the hospital. I’d cry for days not knowing what to do with this ugly dark cloud that lingered over me. I could not food. I could not concentrate on my studies, sadness was constant. Sleep was my answer all the time. Sleep the pain away, but the next day there it was again. I didn’t know I was suffering from Bio-Polar Disorder. Bio-Polar comes in different form for different people, having to struggle with this illness.
It appears that my emotions swings from sever depression to mania which means uncontrollable negative behaviors such as over spending, having an enormous amount of energy, doing different projects and not finishing any of them. Being confrontational if any one who was threatening towards me. I would snap at that person. I was out of control, I was unstable for a long time without modern medicine. I’ve spent most of my life in therapy. No one could help me. Talk therapy is healing a wonderful way to get my emotions out, it helped me with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood trauma.
I think after a few months of depression I went straight to mania. I loved the energy that I was getting from being manic.I felt like I was on top of the world. One day I went into a manic episodes and bought a SUV pearly white, it was a Four Runner I think. And I was in and out of relationship with men. I enjoyed being promiscuous with men. Dating men was also part of my mania, I would date a couple of men, but no commitment is what I was looking for. I didn’t want a real relationship with any men. They were not the problem it was me. I couldn’t handle being with any man. I had problems of trusting men, because I was cheated on by an ex-boyfriend. Because my mania is so sever, when the ex came through the door I punched him in the face for cheating on me. That’s how bad my mania gets. I’m not violent, but he deserved what he got. (Sorry God)
I really don’t know how I survived. It was you Jesus that helped me through those difficult times. I have faith in you, so strong that I can feel it in my soul. I trust you Jesus with all my heart. In God’s Promises for every day, it says: “So faith comes from hearing the Good News”. Romans 10:17 The Good News shows how God makes people right with himself-that it begins and ends with faith. As the Scripture says, “But those who are right with God will live by trusting in him.” Romans 1:17 I feel that you gave me faith when I was at my weakest moments last year and thank you for that gift.
Please God I pray for both my sisters Denise who was attacked while filling up her gas tank. Someone hit my sister’s head and she was unresponsive when the EMT got there. I feel so bad for Denise. I hope she heals, why do people have to attack and hurt my sister and steal her money. Please God watch over Denise, I love her more. It’s a joke between Denise and I. Poor Sunflower her ex-husband Nile came back to the States and he’s now living in the same apartment with her. Sunflower divorced him years ago.But they just bought a beautiful house in Bear Mass. Sunflower is sick with really bad depression. Her five kids want their parents together, but Sunflower can’t even take care of her self. Let Nile care for her if he still loves her. I pray for my family and friends, please keep them safe, this morning I feel good.Thank you Sweet Jesus.