Faith in Surrendering
August 20, 2022
Dear God, good morning I just read AA thought for the day. It writes, “When many hundreds of people can say that the consciousness of the presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.” I never had faith until last year, when I felt God’s presence. I was desperate for help. I was sohba and feeling depressed again, which I hate. I was spiritually sick with a soul sickness so bad that I would not pray to you, Jesus.
I’m tired this morning. I called my doctor yesterday for a refill of my medicine. My pharmacy never called me, and I’m stuck without my medication for the weekend. Hopefully, Monday, the pharmacy will fill the prescription.
This morning has been crazy. I had to cancel a reservation. I thought I had canceled the Tiny House retreat because we’re renting a 1950s trailer which looks like a lot of fun. We’re going into the White Mountains; they are gorgeous to see. The only thing I worry about is black bears. Hopefully, they won’t come near our trailer because I’ll be scared.
Since that incredible day when I did surrender to your will, I was weeping for help, and you came to me. I felt the presence of God last year. I was crying out to you, and you delivered sweet Jesus. It felt like you were holding me that morning. I felt a warm feeling around my body. It was you, Jesus, that was holding me. I believe that the spirit of your love touched me that morning a year ago. Since then, I’ve been writing to you at five in the morning. I love writing to you because I love you, sweet Jesus. Knowing that you’re here with me, Jesus, gives me hope when I pray to you. Prayers for Brennon. He’s sick with Covid. Please take care of Brennon. We love him. Thank you, Jesus.
Today I don’t worry anymore because you have touched me with so much love since last year. And I’m not worried about anything. I remember Peg Kirby tried to love me when I lived with her. Peg gave me unconditional love, but it was hard for me to accept it. It was unfamiliar to me for someone to love me. I didn’t know what love meant when I was with Peg. She wanted to adopt me into her family.
I was not used to love because my biological parents never showed me what love was. Peg was going to be my adopted mother. My name would have been Geri Kirby. I miss Peg. She was wonderful to me. Peg was showing me unconditional love, and love meant nothing to me because I never knew what love felt like. I know today what unconditional love feels like today.
It feels incredible to love others today. I love Peg for trying to love me when I was sixteen. Peg is a fantastic woman. Peg adopted four children, and I would be her fifth child. Adopting children that have been traumatized by physical, mental, and sexual abuse is what Peg had to deal with when it came to me. Peg was the head of the Department of Youth Services. She knew my history, and Peg still wanted to adopt me. That’s unconditional love.
If only Peg knew about what Grace was doing to me. Grace was physically abusive towards me. I finally had enough of Garces’s assaults, and I wasn’t going to report her because growing up, you don’t rat on anyone.
I’m upset that I never got adopted. Because Grace saw me as a threat, is what Terri thought. I never thought that I was a threat to anyone. I was young and sixteen. Maybe Grace was jealous that Peg was giving me more attention than Grace. Grace was not kind to me. She would kick my legs. I went off on Grace. Yes, I physically hurt her because I had enough of her physical abuse towards me when Peg wasn’t around.
I never got adopted by Peg. She was very upset with me after I hurt Grace. I finally had my revenge against Grace. I hurt Grace badly and didn’t mean to hurt her that bad. I wanted Grace to stop hurting me, and I thought if I fought back, she might stop hurting me. Grace never wanted me to be part of the family. Grace was never kind to me; she was cold towards me. She resented me because Peg wanted to adopt me.
I feel bad that I hurt Grace. However, Grace never loved me or welcomed me into the family. She resented the fact that Peg’s focus was on me. Peg wanted me to feel part of her family. Peg had to deal with my abandonment issues from my biological parents. I was lost and confused. Peg tried her best to make me part of the family.
Since last year, I’ve learned what unconditional love means. It’s pure love that comes from you, Jesus. And I felt your presence in my bedroom that summer morning. I’ve experienced the fruits of your love for me, and I feel love, joy, peace, and goodness in my soul.
I will go to you for everything today. Because you, sweet Jesus, recused me from the emotional pain in my heart. I felt overwhelmed and lost. My soul was empty, and I finally surrendered. The last year of writing to you has brought me closer to you, Jesus, daily. I’m learning to let go and let God run my life. I love you, dear Jesus. Have a lovely day