Faith is Stronger
October 13, 2022
Dear God, good morning. Today’s reading is about “Faith.” My faith is stronger than ever. I go to you when praying, disturbed, upset, sad, or depressed. I love you, sweet Jesus, for giving me faith. I never had faith before. Faith is a beautiful gift that you gave me. I had no faith; I was lost in the abyss, fearing to tell anyone about what was happening to me. And I was sohba.
Fearing people and having to interact with them scared me. I have always felt that way since I was a little girl. It was my biological parents who I feared the most. Then it was people in foster homes and group homes. At work, I barely said a word to anyone, fearing they could see that I was depressed, unresponsive, and sad. I love my job as a Pre-School Teacher. Children were safe, and I love working with children and adults who were not to be trusted is what I learned from my parents. Having an honest conversation with someone was difficult, and I thought people were not to be trusted.
I struggled my whole life, having intrusive thoughts about my childhood during the day and night. Flashbacks occurred more frequently at night, and I could never sleep peacefully. I tried sleepy time tea, over the counter sleeping pills nothing worked. I would look at the clock, and the time seemed to go by so fast. I had school in the morning and worked in the afternoon with three children. Watching the clock gave me more anxiety. One moment it would be one a.m., then three in the morning. I could never get a good night’s sleep for years.
I always felt inferior to people. People were not to be trusted, is what I felt. Today is different. I have a few women that I talk to. They are spiritual warriors, Terri, Liz Karen, Kristen, Jackie, Tina, Serena, and my sister Denise. There are more women at the 319 meetings that I chat with. We have a saying in our fellowship,
“Faith without work is dead.” My faith in you, Jesus, has strengthened over the past year. Since I begged you for help back in two thousand and sixteen when I wrote to you. When I was desperate for help, you brought me and my dog Annie and me together in a dream. Seeing Annie in Heaven and jumping up and down with no pain astonished me. I was surprised that I was able to see her again. I was in AWE and disbelief, but I truly believe I was in heaven and that you, Jesus brought me to Annie. Thank you.
Over a year ago, I was desperate for help, and you, Jesus, came to me. You held me in your arms that morning when I felt a warmness around my whole body. That was my spiritual experience, and ever since then. I’ve been searching for faith, love, peace, joy, understanding, kindness, and goodness in my life. Trusting you gives me peace, and I know that you near make me feel safe. Whereas before in my life, I could not or would not believe in you.
This morning I was not peaceful. The neighbor downstairs wanted twenty dollars from Roman. I told Roman he needed to bring his cat Midnight to a veterinarian because she had not urinated in five days. And that he has to pay for the hospital visit, which is expensive. Then I heard the neighbor say, Tell Geri shut the Fuck up! I snapped and said for her to shut the Fuck up! She takes advantage of Roman, asking him for things and selling him something he does not need. Roman is naïve because of his schizophrenia. I should not have reacted, but I heard her on the phone yelling and swearing, threatening to hurt me. Please, Jesus, calm the storm in my head and heart. I’ll pray for Desiree, the neighbor downstairs, for two weeks. Please, Jesus, watch over Desire. She is a sick person.
Faith in you has been a lovely journey for me. It’s taken me decades to believe in you. The Bible says, “The Good News shows how God makes people right with himself-that; it begins and ends with faith. The scripture says, “But those who are right with God will live by trusting in him. Romans 1:17
Trusting you is more important than anything in my life. Please, Jesus, ease the anger in my life out of me, let go, and let you run the show. I love you, Jesus.
The Last Step to Faith by Gary Lacy