August 17, 2022

Dear God, good morning. Last night Roman got afraid again. Roman woke Gary and had Gary go downstairs to bring the police into the apartment. I slept until after the cops left, and Roman woke me up. I woke up to Roman banging on my door. I told Roman to go to bed and to put his television up so Roman doesn’t hear our neighbors opening and closing their doors downstairs. Roman needs outside help, a day program to teach him how to deal with his fears, and they teach him coping skills and hopefully life skills. So that poor Roman can get the support he needs. Fellowship is also very important

We told Roman we wanted the best care for him. We told Roman that we, Gary, and I wanted to move because Roman was getting progressively worst. Roman pushing Gary was the last straw. Roman’s behavior is out of control, and he needs help. Gary and I will have to move if he doesn’t do the program. We can’t live day by day accommodating Roman all the time. We have our lives to live too.

We love Roman to pieces. He’s kindhearted, gentle, loving, and fun to be around. When Roman does not get his way, he flips out. I hope Roman chooses to get help from the out-patience treatment. (OPT) soon. I pray that Roman receives the best care for his schizophrenia. It’s hard to live with someone in Roman’s condition. Please, dear, God help Roman. Please take care of him.

Today’s reading from the book God Promises for every day talks about walking away from God. I hope I never walk away from Jesus. When I walk away from you, I hope you will pull me back and remind me that you came to me last year when I was feeling lost, confused, irritable, frustrated, angry, depressed, and crying out to you. You delivered! Please help me stay connected to you, “Always,” sweet Jesus. The book also speaks about being afraid. I was always fearful of people, places, and situations. People can hurt you, let you down, tell lies about you, or hurt you physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve always feared adults, and they were not to be trusted.

I feared everything in the world. I turned down a four-year Scholarship to Boston University (BU) in Boston. I was not confident about attending a huge school like Boston University. BU wanted me to attend their college. I wanted to be a hairdresser like other girls my age. I attend Wilfred Beauty Academy. I went to school and stayed quiet. I always had a hard time getting close to anyone. Girls at school would gossip about each other, and I just sat there doing my schoolwork, minding my business.

Fear ran my life. I drank alcoholically, hitchhiking from town to town outside of Boston. I was hanging out with women in their early thirties and did not care about their ages. They accepted me, and we would go drinking together. I wasn’t even twenty-one years old and became a daily drinker. Drinking a lot of alcohol became my very best friend.

When I was drinking alcohol, all my memories would magically disappear. The fear of talking to people went away, and I could talk to women I was drinking with about work and school. Being drunk took away my fears, and I feared no one.

Alcohol was a magical elixir. I thought that if I drank alcohol, it would solve all my problems. Finally, alcohol made me physically sick, and alcohol savaged my mental state of mind. I was spiritually dead. I was living in Revere, Massachusetts, at North Gate apartments, living in a studio. Drinking did not take away my depression. I kept drinking to take away my depression. It didn’t work drinking booze made the depression worst. March of nineteen-eighty-seven, Christina, my case worker, suggested the fellowship again to me. I told her I would attend the meetings. I did listen to Christina and went to meetings in Boston again. I also attended meetings in Malden, Massachusetts, which helped me understand why my drinking alcohol was out of control. I did not think I was an alcoholic. My parents, however, were real alcoholics, not me.