August 23, 2022

Dear God, Good morning; I got my medicine yesterday. It helps me with my bipolar episodes. Today I got on Tina’s hour on the 319 meeting. It was about helping the newcomer coming into the fellowship. Trust God, clean house and help others is our code. I’ve been a sponsor for many women since being in the fellowship. Fellowshipping is wonderful. Some women need help, and I give them my number. I can be a good listener for the newbie. Women in the fellowship deal with many issues, such as domestic violence, sexual abuse by a family member, homelessness (PTSD) and trauma, and depression. My heart goes out to the new woman. Hopeless state of mind when they first come into the fellowship.

Old-timers have taught me to reach out to newcomer. I became a greeter for the fellowship. Since nineteen-eighty-seven, I’ve liked to think I’ve helped more women, but some of them relapsed, drank again, and died. I’ve lost so many friends over the years due to this disease of alcoholism; they went out one more time drinking and using drugs. The drugs have killed most of my friends. More of my friends have died from Fentanyl than anything else. It’s painful every time a friend drinks or uses heavy drugs. I’ve lost three girlfriends in one year. How devesting it is that three beautiful women lost their lives. They loved the fellowship but could not get honest about their drinking and drug use. They all died from a drug overdose. I miss them. They were beautiful women, strong, witty, funny, and loveable. Dear Jesus, I hope you took Pam, Debbie, Mary, and Judy to their resting place and are now standing with you.

Today reading in God’s Promises for every day, writes, “We know that everything God works for the good of those who love him… The ways of God are without fault. The Lord’s words are pure. He is a shield to those who trust him.” Psalm 18: 30

I trust you, Lord Jesus, today. You came to me and gave me hope. I’ve always run away from you for decades. I was the belligerent one who refused you, and I became an atheist throughout my life. I never knew that you, Jesus were the “Prince of Peace” I never knew about how our father, God, made you King of Israel. I’m so happy to get to know you, Lord Jesus, over the past years. Jesus, you have touched my heart every day since you came to me that sunny morning. I asked you, Jesus, for the strength to carry on. I wasn’t suicidal. The thought of killing myself was out of the question. I believe you go to hell for committing suicide. That’s a healthy fear. Drinking alcohol led me down the wrong path, and I gave up caring for anyone. Myself-will is what made me drink. I wanted to drink socially. And I tried it, but I became a drunk again.

This time in my life, I stopped drinking alcohol at twenty-sixteen when I cried out to you, God. You got me sohba, and eventually, I could see more clearly. I was a terrible drunk. I was a falling down, peeing my pants drunk, and a blackout drinker too. I surrendered to you last year. Thank you for saving me from my depression last year. I was defiantly a lost soul. I did not think I would get sohba again. I thought I was a social drinker; I would watch my alcohol intake when I went out drinking in pubs, and I got kicked out of most pubs in Malden. Even a pizza place where they had karaoke and a bar room too. I yelled at a customer at the pizza place. I got bared for yelling at the man. I blacked out, and my girlfriend Susan walked me to the car. I think Susan drove my car to go to her house. Susan is amazingly beautiful. She got us home, gave me her PJs, and sometimes I would be in a blackout. Susan would put the PJs on me and give me Benadryl, which knocked me out.

I would ask the next morning, what happened? Susan said I blacked out, and the pizza place kicked me out. I thought I’ll go to Revere to drink by myself. I’m crazy when drinking alcohol and end up in strangers’ cars, not knowing how I got there. I was a sick woman who needed help, and the only thing that saved me was you, Jesus, guiding me back to the fellowship.

It took me four years of drinking on my own. I was fifty years old and drinking myself to oblivion every day now. My social drinking lasted for a day. Then I was drinking alcoholically. You, God, saved my life and brought me out of darkness into the light of your love. I’ll be six-years sohba. My husband still doesn’t trust me. Someday, he will trust me. I’m not worried.

I need to go now and talk with my sweet sponsor Terri. She always puts things into perspective when talking to her about recovery. She’s the only woman I trust besides my dear Rosemarie. I love her too. Rosemarie remembers when I came to the fellowship, I was an angry person, and Rosemarie and I would have coffee, and she would give me great wisdom about staying away from that first drink. One is too many a thousand isn’t enough. Alcohol was my saving grace but destroyed me in the end. Thank you for reaching down to me and showing me your Spirit of love, peace, faith, joy, understanding, and compassion., MJ Love you, Jesus

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