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Faith,  open mindfulness,  recovery

God and the Last Step to Faith

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August 24, 2022

Dear God

I am frustrated with getting close to You and letting You in. God. I am so close to surrendering to You, to completely letting You in. Being my friend, my confidant, my support, loving me like no human can. I want You in my life, God. To hold me during those oh-so-dark times that I go through too many times. I am so close to God. You are so there for me. It’s not even a whole step I have to make, a half a step or even less.

I keep reaching out to You, but it seems I keep missing You. I need You in my life, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t or won’t take that last step onto the shores of faith. Heck, it’s not even a whole step.

I see so many people taking that last step or using the waterfall analogy, going over the waterfall to a new life. I see Geri, Terri, Gerald, Brennan, and a slew of people from A.A. I see them going over in total joy without a care in the world, and where am I? I am holding on to a rock for dear life. God, why won’t I let go? What is holding me back? I know there is love, peace, and joy. People tell me this every day.

I have enough evidence to know You are real. I see You working every time I go to a meeting. I see you working when I watch a newcomer get sober and stay sober. I see You working when people go through unbelievable horrors and do not take a drink. I see you working in my life, keeping me sober, and helping me to survive all the horrors I have been through.

I want nothing more than to have You in my life. Allowing You to take care of me and to comfort me. I need You to help me survive what I am going through today.

What is it exactly that I am going through? I think the video of the two kids rapping about being bullied triggered me. Ronald Toby was his name. He was my bully and my tormenter.

I endured humiliation, beatings, taunting, and more for over a year. Every day started the same for me. Tried different ways to school to avoid Ronald, and every day he was there. One day he beat me with a cast on his hand. I could not get away from this kid.

I dealt with this the only way I knew. I think this was one of the main reasons that kicked me into full-blown drug addiction and alcoholism. I could not go to school straight. Every day it had to be alcohol or cannabis, or hallucinogens.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this was learned shame.

I have never really talked about this to anyone. I don’t even remember if I talked to anyone while it was happening. Bullying was not the “in” thing it is today. There was no help, no support, just nowhere for me to go. All there was for me was my room and my music.

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