May 9, 2022

Dear God, good morning again. It is four in the morning. I went to sleep at eight. Yesterday, I saw Fernando, and we went to Macy’s to buy dress pants for him. I was sad because I only get to see him once a week. We talk every morning and talk before we go to bed. I need to tell him that this living arrangement needs to change. He now wants to buy a two-bedroom Condo. That’s perfect for me. Fernando wants me to look up condos. I’ll start looking for a real estate agent today. I miss my husband and him singing Opera in the shower, his gentle touches, and then he tries to sing Elvis Presley’s song. I can’t help falling in love with you; those are the only words he knows, and it’s lovable and sweet. I love him so much.

Today’s reading is about “Jesus is your Answer.” I believe in you. You came to me with love, hope, and joy in your heart. Sweet Jesus. You loved me when I was drinking myself to death, and I didn’t care if I lived or died. I was extremely drunk all the time; Happy hour was my time to drink. I justified the right to drink at four in the afternoon at least. I’m not drinking all the time, I didn’t want to be an alcoholic, but when I did drink, I drank alcoholically. I was still in denial. I wanted to be a “Social Drinker” I drank from four o’clock till midnight at home. This way, I could drink my memories away, my depression, my regrets, and my sadness away in a bottle of Captain Morgan. Captain Morgan and I became best friends.

Then I went to wine. It was cheaper, and I would drink a gallon of wine within two days. I didn’t care about my husband, sister, family, or friends. I was always thinking about or obsessing about drinking, so I started drinking more frequently before four o’clock. Drinking wine at noon wasn’t hurting anyone. Except I was hurting myself.

My drinking was so bad I was now coming home at three in the morning. My husband was worried, and he was furious at me. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to surrender to the fact that I was an alcoholic. But I found myself questioning the fact that I was drinking so much. Now I started to believe that I was, in fact, an alcoholic. I had decided to stop drinking on my own. I should have gone to detox, but I was too sick to get out of bed. I could not move for the life of me.

Thank you, God, for my sister Sunflower. She cared for me, feeding and changing me because everything hurt physically. Headaches, dry heaving, I felt deathly ill, and I was extremely dehydrated weighing only one-hundred-and fifteen pounds skin and bones. I was now surrendering to the bottle. I made a mess of my life. And I needed to get sohba again. I was the lucky one to come home to the fellowship. Friends welcomed me back to the fellowship. And I will always love them for loving and nurturing me back to health. I remember in two-thousand-and sixteen, I grabbed my little brown book, God’s Promises, and I kept reading about you, Jesus. What to do when you’re afraid? And I wrote in the book, it writes:

“Dear God and Jesus, please breathe life into my broken heart and heal my heart. I love you, Dear God; you are my savior. I love you.” I truly wanted to believe in you, but I struggled. I would cry out to you, but I still didn’t believe in you completely. You saved me from a dangerous situation while drinking alcohol, but I walked away from you in early sobriety. I always walked away from you because I was stubborn, selfish, self-righteous, and arrogant, and I still didn’t believe in you. Talk about arrogance. I had plenty of it, and I was a little shit.

I don’t know why I wrote about my drinking days. Maybe it’s because I needed to remember how bad drinking was and the consequences. This was the fourth time making it back to the fellowship. You blessed me, Jesus, to get sohba again. So many of my friends went out drinking and died. At least thirty of my friends are dead due to alcohol and drugs. They are with you now, Jesus, and there is no more pain for them.

Writing about how bad my drinking was just reaffirmed that I’m a true alcoholic and can’t drink because I could die. When I’m afraid I can go to you Jesus, it writes: “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings, you can hide. His truth will be your shield and protection. Psalm 91:4-7 “theyGod’s promises for every day.” “So we can be sure when we say, “I will not be afraid because the Lord is my helper.” Jesus, you have been protecting me my entire life. Thank you for loving me. Love me

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