November 13, 2022

Dear God, good morning. Today’s reading from God’s Promises for every day writes, “What the Bible has to say, “God’s faithfulness.” God, you are healing me as I write to you. It’s taken years for me to believe in you and your promises. It writes, “The Lord says, “This day is like the time of Noah to me. I promised then that I would never flood the world again. In the same way, I promise I will not be angry with you or punish you again. The mountains may disappear, and the hills may come to an end, but my love will never disappear; my promise of peace will not come to an end,” says the Lord who shows mercy to you. Isaiah 54:9-10
Jesus, the Father, promised never to hurt his children again. This promise must be “God’s Faithfulness to us. I was never faithful to you, Jesus. I was scared of the Father, who had great power during Noah’s time here on earth. Religion was not a part of my upbringing.
My Father did not want anyone to know what was happening in our house. However, we had a babysitter who took us, the children, to church. We sang songs about you, Jesus. Like, “Jesus loves me. Yes, I know because the Bible tells me so!”
I did not know about you, Jesus, as a child until I attended church classes. But as soon as my Father found out, we attended catechism and were never permitted to attend church. And he fired the babysitter, and I was only eight years old.
There was no one allowed in our house. A boy from elementary school, Nicolas, wanted me to meet his mother, and after school, I went to his house on Ferry street in Everett, the same street I lived on. Nicolas’s mother was very friendly and gave us cookies and milk. Then I had to go home, and Nicolas’s mother to him to walk me home. Nicolas walked me home, and as soon as we got to the door, I had to tell Nicolas nobody could come into our house. Then Nicolas left my house.
I was a sad child, living with my parents. I was fearful of both parents. My Father would have me rub his back on a school night. Then he said, “Rub my boom boom (Ass), I would collapse on the bedroom floor from exhaustion. And my Father did not care about me, only that I rubbed his back for hours, mainly when the Bruins played hockey or the Boston Celtics played basketball.
Now, I know I only watch the Patriots football games and the Boston Red Sox. Too many flashbacks from childhood do overwhelm me, and I never watched the sports that my Father watched.
My heart starts to palpitate when I remember the past. And I get anxious and feel great sadness. Like Terri says, we visit the past but do not get stuck in the past. I needed to hear that from Terri because I sometimes get stuck in the past of my childhood. And I don’t know how to stop writing about the history of my life.
I need to write about the past to get the pain out of my system. After all, it lays dormant in my heart, and it hurts. My memories are haunting and frightening. I call my house a “Haunted House” because both parents were unpredictable. We never knew who was going to hurt us. We lived in total fear in that house. Or if my Father was going to break my mother.
Living in fear as a child is not normal. I was only ten years old when DSS took me away from my siblings, and I went into a deep dark depression. My siblings were all I had, yet I could not live with them. The lady’s son said terrible things about me, and I had to leave my sisters and brother behind.
I ended up in my second foster home. At least three boys and four teenage boys lived downstairs in the house. I had to share a room with a girl named Valerie, and I was ten, and she was fourteen. She never talked to me.
I’m not sure why I’m writing about my childhood. Sometimes it comes out when writing to you, sweet Jesus. So God’s Faithfulness is not to destroy his children, but to save them through you, Jesus. The Bible writes, “Now may God himself, the God of peace, make you pure, belonging only to him. “May your whole self-spirit-soul-and body-be kept safe and without fault when our Lord Jesus Christ comes.” Thessalonians 5:23-24
So far,r I feel my spirit connected to you, Jesus. I feel at peace this morning, and I hope it lasts. My self-spirit-soul and body belong to you, Jesus.
Some day maybe I’ll finish my little book called, “A Voice Of Her Own.” They are my memoirs, and I started to write my story when my Father died long ago. I want people to know that child abuse still exists in our society to this day.
And how we as a society can prevent abuse towards infants, toddlers- preschoolers, and teenagers. I would love to help parents find a better life without the use of violence on their child(s). I must finish my book A Voice of Her Own and bring closure to my story. Please ease Gary’s heart, I hurt him, and I am truly sorry for giving him a push last night. Please help him to forgive me. As you know, I love you, Jesus.