August 29, 2022

Dear God, Do I need to get baptized again to receive the “Holy Spirit?” It says it in the Scripture. I’ve been baptized as a baby but not as an adult. Do I need to get baptized in my adulthood? According to my experience, I felt the presence of you, God. It was when I was weeping for help last year, and I felt a warm feeling around my body. Then the crying stopped. And I believe that you held me that morning. I knew I felt a sense of peace wash over me that morning. The book God’s Promises for every day writes, “You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourself.” 1 Corinthians 6:19

I don’t think I have yet felt the Holy Spirit. I feel at peace writing to you, Jesus. I feel a sense of safety throughout my day. As if everything is going to be all right. Jesus said to his disciples, “The Father is the only One who has authority to decide dates and times… But when the Holy Spirit comes to you, you will receive power. You will be my witnesses—in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and every part of the world.” Act 1:4-5,7-8

I believe I’m your witness, dear Jesus. I felt an amazing feeling of blessings from you that beautiful morning, and I did not know that the Holy Spirit lives in us all. There’s much to learn about you, Jesus, the Bible, the Scriptures, the Saints, the apostles, and God all Mighty.

I’m writing to you because I love your teachings and stories in the Bible. It notes, “When Peter and John arrived, they prayed that the Samaritan believers might receive the Holy Spirit. Those people had been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus, but the Holy Spirit hadn’t come upon them. Then, when the two apostles began laying their hands on the people, they received the Holy Spirit.” Act 8:14-17

Maybe I need to get baptized again. I’ve been a sinner most of my life, with unhealthy sex relationships, bad decisions, self-will, and running away from my problems all the time. I did this sohba and when I was drinking alcoholically.

I was a train wreck throughout the years. My rails of the train were coming undone. I was coming apart. The doctors would give out medicine without a diagnosis. It was called Manic Depressive. They gave me treatment for my depression In my late twenties and early thirties. I didn’t know what was happening to me. My psychosis had me lose touch with reality.

Losing touch with reality was scary because I could not function like everyone else. My psychosis was horrible to live with. I wanted to jump out of my body, and I did not know what was happening to my mind. I saw therapists throughout my life because I needed to heal from my childhood trauma which did wonders. I was able to say whatever I needed in the sessions.

It wasn’t until two-thousand-and-five that I suffered with my anger, a big problem. My moods would swing back and forth. One minute I was happy, cleaning my house, writing, and just keeping busy going to the fellowship. I bought a new SUV, a Four Runner, which I could barely afford the SUV.

According to the doctors, I suffered from manic episodes and severe depression. I need to get help. I was rageful at a sex offender that was in our fellowship. He confronted me about my spirituality. I stood up in the meeting and yelled, “Get the F### out of our meeting. Please stay away from Lisa and her two daughters. You F##### sex pervert.” He ran out of the meeting, and I was so distraught that rage just premeditated through my veins. I got bared from the sohba club for a month. Years later, he apologized to me at Club 24

My girlfriend Anne said to me let me take you somewhere. Ann took me to Lynn Hospital. I was hesitant about the hospital. I told the doctor that night I wouldn’t stay at the hospital overnight. Staying with men on the unit isn’t what I wanted. The hospital asked if I could do a day program. I told them sure, and I could drive there and attend their outpatient intensive (OPI) The first day, I did not show up for treatment. Then they called and told me if I did not show up for OPI, they would send the police to my home and bring me to OPI. I had no idea what I was in for.

When I finally arrived at the hospital, I sat in their nine o’clock meeting with at least twenty people waiting for the instructor or counselors to start the meeting. It was how to cope with your illness. Then I got called into the doctor’s office. Dr. S was my doctor, He asked me why I was rageful, and I told him about the sex offender.

And then the doctor told me I was suffering from bipolar 1. What the F### is that I said to the doctor. I swore a lot back then. He told me that my moods switch from really depressed to angry, sad, despair, frustrated, or overly excited outbursts. I was pissed off with the doctor. I was experiencing too many emotions simultaneously, and I told the doctor that my mind could not stop thinking. I was swearing a lot at the doctor, but he understood and sat there and listened to me while I was talking. They gave me medicine for both my manic psychosis and depression. It was like a tranquilizer to calm my rage. I learned to control my anger, and I managed to finish the program.

The depression continues to haunt me, but my manic episodes are far between. The mania kicks in, and I feel helpless because the medicines don’t always work. I must focus on self-care, which I never really did before. Learning to care for myself was difficult in the beginning.

I’m still learning self-care. Loving oneself is hard, and I work on it daily. By writing to you, Jesus, I get my spiritual medicine from your teachings, and I remember your fruits of love, faith, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.

With self-control, I need to focus on my breathing, pause, process, and proceed with life on life’s terms. I need your help, sweet Jesus. Love you.