Hope and Despair
June 7, 2022
Good morning God. I read a lot this morning in the book called God’s Promises for every day. The question is, “What to do when you are afraid.” In two-thousand-and fourteen, I wrote you a letter God. I was in despair, and I wrote in my little brown book, “Dear God and Jesus, please breath life into my broken heart and soul. I love you, Dear God, and Jesus, you are my savior.”
At two-thousand-and-fourteen, I was grieving my dog Annie who had recently passed away from fourth-stage cancer, and I had to put her down, which broke my spirit. I was crying all the time when she passed away. She was lovable, beautiful, sweet, and protective, and I loved her like she was my daughter. I would go homeless and put her with close friends, and one day I went into a thirty-day treatment center for cognitive development for adults. It helped with my anxiety and grief. I miss my Annie girl.
My old journal talks about me being scared all the time back in my drinking days. Recently I came across my journal from the early eighties. And it speaks about me being scared a lot! IT WAS VERY SCARY when I would hitchhike, but I think I scared the drivers because I looked like Joan Jet. Walking at night is also dangerous, and I was using a fake idea so I could drink in pubs or clubs. Those days I behaved like some tough bitch like my sisters. Everyone in my family grew up tough because we had to. I guess there are times I do get scared. It gave me both hope and despair.
But I know you, Jesus. The bible speaks about you being our savior and protector. The book God’s Promises for every day writes, “Because the Lord is your God is a merciful God. He will not leave you or destroy you. Be strong and brave. Don’t be afraid of them and be frightened because the Lord your God will go with you. He will not leave you or forget you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
That’s a powerful message. God will always be with me, even when I’m afraid. Fear doesn’t live in my back pocket anymore because Jesus, you comfort me through my difficult times. But sometimes, I get scared of my depression. It engulfs me in a fetal position. Please help me when the depression comes back. Please help me when I’m afraid. I’ll run to you when it rears its ugly head, God. I don’t have to be scared anymore because of you, Jesus. Fear and faith don’t live in the same house. I still struggle with being scared. I feel afraid sometimes, but I turn my will over to you, Jesus. And I know that you can do a better job caring for me, better than I can care for myself. You’re teaching me how to be a better person each day. Thank you, sweet Jesus. Love me
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