September 26. 2022

Dear God, good morning. Today’s reading from God’s Promises says, “Jesus is the answer.” And though him you receive the Grace of God. It writes, “But he said to me, My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you. So I am thrilled to brag about my weakness. Then Jesus Christ power can live in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 I can say that I feel relief that you have always been there for me my whole life. I refused you, Jesus, and I’m sorry.

I was a rebel at the age of twelve, and the Department of Youth Services (DYS) could not help me. They kept putting me into foster and group homes since I was nine. The DYS was clueless about training counselors at Orchard Home regarding trauma victims of child sexual abuse and all the different kinds of abuse we girls experienced. Instead of talking to us in the staff office, they restrained us in four-point restraints by sitting on our arms and legs when a girl acted out, like telling the staff to go fuck themselves. Instead of talking to us girls, they physically sat on you. Then they send you to your bedroom. I would run away to my girlfriend’s house, Jennifer, and we party and pass out. I was grounded, picking up on other girls’ behaviors, and stood up for myself against the staff at Orchard Home.

I started to act out because my parents abandoned me. It took two counselors at Orchard Home put me down on the floor and restrain me. I was kicking and yelling for them to stop touching me. As a trauma survivor, I could not be touched by anyone. The staff at Orchard Home read my DYS records from my childhood, and they should have known that touching me sent me into a state of rage. Yes, I fought back. I was rageful and extremely sad, both parents did not want me, and that fuckin hurt a lot. Sorry for swearing. But it’s part of my story Jesus. It says in the Bible if my mother and father leave me. The Lord will take me in because I became an orphan.

My caseworker Joan was trying to get me adopted. That’s when I started to act out, such as running away from Orchard Home. In my unconscious mind, I was grieving the loss of my parents, and I did not know how to handle the abandonment from both parents. In my unconscious mind, I was not aware of my emotions. Joan was a very lovely counselor. She was gentle with me when she told me that maybe it was time for me to get adopted. I think I cried in Joan’s office that day.

If I got out of control, which I did, the counselors would send me away to a temporary foster home for a couple of weeks. That’s how DYS and Orchard Home dealt with young girls suffering from all types of abuse. I did not like being sent away. I was at a home where I was a slave to this woman. She made me rake the leaves and clean her house because she had three children under six years old. She was mean, and I did not like her at all. I was sent to many different homes and would be afraid to ask for an extra blanket. I was scared when they sent me away, and I had no idea where I was going, which was scary.

Surrender.

Jesus is the Answer