Searching and Fearless Inventory
January 7, 2023
Dear God, good morning. Today’s reading from the Book, “The life recovery Bible writes about the fourth step.”We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” Taking this step four seems impossible, but I think I’ll get through it with God’s help. I finished my list of resentments of others and why I had this bitterness against family members, friends, or institutions. Well, I’m getting close to putting closure on my resentment list.
Back in the day, I resented everyone who was disrespectful to me or disrespectful to loved ones. I was the one to point out your charter defects when I was drinking alcohol and sohba too. I was the chief critic, or so I thought.
I need to go slowly on step four. I want to heal from my negative characteristics. I have Terri, who said she’ll help me through the fourth step. Thank you, Jesus, for putting Terri in my life, she’s been a Godsend, and I love her.
The Life Recovery Bible writes, “It’s all right to admit the truth about what brought us into bondage… It’s perfectly all right to express our anger and regret over what has been to us.
I think I wrote a lot about how I suffered from physical abuse at the hands of my mother and sexual abuse from my father and foster brothers. I hated the world at a young age; children were seen but not heard.
The bondage of alcoholism has me drinking alcohol against my will. I never want to go back to drinking alcohol again because I didn’t know I was trying to hide from my emotions and slowly killing myself with alcohol. I’ve cried with Terri so many times in the past year about my childhood. Terri would hear my letters to you, God, and she looks forward to hearing them.
In my late twenties, I focused on my studies of Social Work at Salem University and worked as a nanny for three boys, two years old and a five-year-old. and writing a little book called, “A Voice Of Her Own.” I was in and out of the fellowship. I got engaged to a nice man, Dave, my girlfriend Brooke’s brother. He was frustrated with my drinking too. We agreed to break up.
The bondage of alcoholism kept me drinking. I never want to go back to drinking alcohol again. But I am an alcoholic, and when I don’t deal with my emotions, I focus on recovery or tell someone I’m emotionally in pain. I get drunk.
Everything seemed to fall apart. The loving boyfriend didn’t love me at all, he cheated on me, and I punched him in the face when he walked through the door when I was sohba. On a Sunday, I was alone, and Shawn went to a meeting with that woman. I reverted to old drinking behaviors. I instantly drove to New Hampshire to buy a gallon of vodka and a pint for the drive home.
Sitting in the parking lot, I put vodka in my diet coke. A man was watching me, but All I cared about was drinking my sorrows away and the rejection I felt in my heart. I only remember my dog Forest sitting next to me when I barely got home. I was impaired to drive, but somehow, I managed to get home. Then I projectile vomited into the kitchen and passed out on the floor.
Shawn came home, and he said to me when I woke up by kicking me, (nice guy) Shawn called the Salen hospital, and they said to bring her right in now! My alcohol level was 4.4, which was very high, and this guy deeply hurt me.
During that time in my life, I did not think of asking you for help, Jesus. But you did help me get away from Shawn. You moved me to another town Revere Massachusetts where I found peace of mind with a wonderful roommate Ann Maire. We got along great. We had Christmas parties, Patriot games parties, and the Red Sox games too.
There were at least seven of us that hung out together. Sadly, Vinny, who died from this disease, and Mark, Stacy, Marie, and others came to our house too. You put these beautiful people in my life when I needed emotional support. They were there for me. I miss them. Ann Maire texted me the other day, and I need to call her. I miss her and the good old days.
My character defects come out swinging. If someone wronged me verbally, I would snap. That’s what I learned my whole life from my parents. I think I’m always right about certain things. I learned horrible things from my parents, and that’s how they fought. It was all I knew.
But in recovery, we learn to forgive others which is an excellent relief from God. I don’t have any hate for what others may have done to me in the past and today. I pray or write to you and tell you my inner thoughts. I surrender to the Spirit that will protect me as I am searching for you, God.
Maybe this morning Gary and I and maybe Roman can go to church. There’s a church called “Just Church.” After that, Gary does his service work on the 319. I love you.