Recovery and Higher Power
September 7, 2022
Dear God, good morning. I was in a meeting this morning, and it’s been a wonderful day so far. In my fellowship, we talked about you, Jesus, or they say a Higher Power. On the 319 meeting, Tina’s hour was about, “God is everything, or else he is nothing. God either is, or he isn’t.” Pg 53 from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was a big pill for me to swallow. I struggled my whole life without you, Jesus. I came to the fellowship not knowing what to expect. I remember the old timers who were sohba for years telling me I had a threefold illness. Physical, mental, and spiritual. The elders called it because I have a physical allergy to alcohol, a mental obsession for alcohol, and a spiritual malady, a soul sickness from alcohol.
I was physically allergic to alcohol and was obsessed with drinking against my will. I had a soul sickness so horrible I would not believe in a Higher Power, let alone talk with you, Jesus. I justified my right to drink alcohol. The more I drank, the more I got sick. Mentally my mind has always been obsessed with alcohol. I had a mind I could not trust. I would buy a bottle of booze and pour it down my throat like I was drinking water.
The alcohol took my emotional pain away when I drank. I could finish off a liter of booze within a day or two. By the night’s end, I was out of alcohol, and I would drive drunk to get more liquor as I was falling down, pissing my pants, and black-out drinker. I did not care about anyone. My poor husband had to put up with my drinking for four years. He is a saint. To put up with my bad behaviors.
I was selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, lying to everyone, and playing the big shot. I could not drink like a social drinker. One drink is too many, and a thousand isn’t enough, according to the people in the fellowship. I wanted my bottle more than anything. I tried social drinking, but it did not last long. Maybe a few days, I was off and running, drinking alcoholically again.
I’ve been a runner my whole life, running towards a drink of booze, needing a man to fix me. Or I was running away from relationships so I could drink booze whenever I wanted. No one was going to interrupt my drinking. I was arrogant and self-absorbed, and my ego was so big that I thought I knew everything when drinking. I played the big shot, buying friends drinks, only to find out I had no money at the end of the night. That sucked. Waking up in the morning without alcohol in the house drove me crazy.
It took a lot of work to go drinking. All my money went to liquor. I surrendered drinking alcohol on October 11, twenty-sixteen. I was physically sick from my last few months of drinking, and I drank Captain Morgan when I could afford it. Then I went to a gallon of red wine, and wine is cheaper. Hiding my booze from my husband became a hassle. I was getting barded from pubs and the veteran’s bars too.
I finally put the drink down, I begged you for help, Jesus, and you got me sohba again. I am a lucky woman because I should be dead. I drank way more alcohol this last time. I know it was divine intervention on your part, Jesus. You are everything to me. You saved me from drowning in alcohol, and I was a very sick woman. I finally surrendered to the fellowship once again.
This time I’m reading the books and having a beautiful sponsor, Terri, who helped me with my disease of alcoholism. She’s taught me to always pause, breathe, and proceed in daily activities. She taught me the meaning of trusting another person, and I trust Terri with my heart. Terri’s teaching me how to stay sohba and be happy.
Thank you, Jesus, for getting me sohba once again. I began my recovery with you this time around. Today’s reading was about being sheltered by God. It writes,
“The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath is everlasting arms. Sheltering arms express the loving protection of God’s spirit.” The 24-hour book, by Hazleton. This is a fantastic day for me. I remember I cried out to Jesus, and you came to me. I can’t believe it. I felt your huge warm arms around me that morning. You breathed life into my soul early that morning. I never thought I would receive protection from you, Jesus. I was a sinner and a terrible drinker. And I am so sorry. I feel grateful to you for saving my life. Amen, I love you, Jesus.
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