Relapse and Guilt
May 24, 2022
Dear God, good morning. I was just in my community online, the 319. I spun the wheel, and the topic was on, “The desire to stay Sohba.” Since I came back to the fellowship, I haven’t desired to drink for five and half years. Thank you, sweet Jesus. I have been around the fellowship since nineteen-eighty-seven, not to brag. I have had three relapses throughout those years. Each time I crawled back to the fellowship feeling shame, guilt, and remorse and hated myself for the relapsing. To relapse, is to kill a part of you.People reached out to me every time I went on a bender for days and years. When I would drink alcohol, I had an instant personality change. Drinking alcohol gave me a false sense of myself.
When I started drinking at a young age may be thirteen years old. I was a hot mess, running away from the Department of Youth Services (DYS). I read my records, and they called me a “Juvenile Delinquent.” What the hell? I was only a runaway drinking at my girlfriend’s house. Who the hell does DYS think they are calling me a delinquent; I had a drinking problem, and DYS didn’t help me. Instead, they would put me into more foster homes and group homes.
I hated the DYS for splitting up my siblings. . I needed them; they were my “World,” when DYS took them away, Lily, Sunflower, and Wily, I’d shut down from people and drink alcoholically because people were not “Safe.”
Alcohol was my best friend because I could drink the pain away throughout my teen-age-years—a quick flash to today, God. I don’t remember asking you for help at the end of my drinking. I think I did get on my knees and prayed, but I still struggled with you, sweet Jesus. Last year I found you. I finally surrendered to your will and gave up running. I can’t believe I was an atheist for many years, and I’m sorry, Jesus. Thank you for watching me over all those years. I love you!! Have a blessed day.