Relapse Without Dignity
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July 24, 2022
Dear God, good morning. Thank you for a lovely day at Hampton Beach yesterday. We saw the sun rising over the gigantic ocean, and the sea looked like diamonds were dancing on top of the water. When we walked towards to water yesterday, Gary said, “Go ahead, do a better job…Gary is struggling with organizing his life. Please give him the strength to help him focus on self-care and self-love, which I hope he finishes his computer course. Please let Gary know that you have always been there for him. He’s my big brother and needs your love.
Today’s reading from the Scripture wrote about God’s love for us. I feel love, peace, and joy in my heart for you, God. Whereas before, I would run from you throughout my life, in sobriety and when I was drinking alcohol.
Back in nineteen-eighty-seven, I was still an atheist. I could not or would not believe in a Higher Power. I was the belligerent one; my mind was in madness. I thought reading many self-help books would fix me, which they did help a little. I thought those books would fill the hole I felt inside my soul. The fellowship calls it a “Soul Sickness,” so severe that it makes you feel empty on the inside. I was always searching for something to fill that hole I felt inside my spirit. Today I’m sorry for my ignorance.
I was soba for many years, since nineteen-eighty-seven. I remained sohba for ten years on self-will. Because I did not have you in my life, I ended up drinking alcohol in nineteen ninety-seven. I took my roommate Steven’s seven-year-old scotch that he was saving for Racheal, his wife. I started to drink it while they were out. I watered down the bottle, thinking no one would notice. Taking a full glass of scotch, I poured it down my mouth, and it tasted horrible. Then I added ice to the glass of alcohol because it was too strong to drink. I wanted to get drunk. So, I drank another glass with the ice inside, making it weak to drink. I couldn’t stop drinking. I called my mother and told her off, then I called my father and told him off too. I told them that they were terrible parents. I told my mother I hated her for hurting me when I was only seven years old. Drinking alcohol that night gave me the courage to tell my parents off.
After those calls to my parents, I called my girlfriend, Brooke. I told her I was drinking alcohol. At first, I didn’t think Brooke believed me, but I was slurring my words. I told her to come and get me and take me to a meeting. I went outside with a glass of scotch in my hand. Brooke was at my house in ten minutes. She beeped her horn; I staggered when I reached her car door. Still drink in hand, I stumbled, trying to get into Brooke’s car. She said to get rid of the glass. Well, I took a huge gulp and threw the glass out of the vehicle on a patch of grass.
The meeting was at Beverly Hospital. I felt drunk and asked Brooke to hold my hand when we walked into the meeting hall. I saw friends in the meeting and told Brooke to let go of my hand. Brooke took me to the back of the room and sat me down. I saw my buddy Danny’s face then I blacked out. I don’t remember much, except I saw Christen with a wheelchair coming towards me. I ran for the exit sign. They caught me, placed me in the wheelchair, and took me to the Emergency Room. I blacked out again and woke up at two in the morning.
The nurses said I had alcohol poisoning, and my level of alcohol was 0.40. The nurse said I had good friends who helped me that night, and I agreed. I called Brooke, and she came to bring me home. She called Nancy, but she didn’t answer her phone. I blacked out, and I don’t remember the ride home. The next day Brooke and I went out for breakfast, and I was still shaky and sick from the drinking the night before.
Brooke is a dear friend of mine, She’s witty, funny, intelligent, beautiful, and loving, and I love her. When I lived close to Brooke, we would go clothes shopping and power walk the beaches for six miles three times a week. We would get lunch and go to a meeting. Brooke was always there for me, like an angel. She always gave me good advice, and I listened. I took her advice on many topics and tried to apply it to my life. I miss Brooke. We’re going to try to get together this summer. Brooke mentioned Hampton Beach. I need to call her and meet up with her for lunch before the summer is over.
I felt tremendous shame for drinking alcohol after being sobha for ten years. People talked in the fellowship, but I didn’t care. I knew I needed to stay sobha. I didn’t call my parents again. Because I told them off. Because the little girl inside me needed to let, my parents know how I felt about them. And what they did to me as a child. Of course, both parents told me to F*** off. I told them to F***off too. Deep down inside me, I needed to stand up for myself against my parents. Alcohol gave me a false sense of self-reliance to tell my parents to go and F*** themselves. I wasn’t spiritual at all. I do regret telling them off while I was drinking. During that time in my life, I was having nightmares and day terrors of remembering my childhood. I was stuck in my pain, and I turned to alcohol to stop the sadness and the intrusive memories from my upbringing. And I wasn’t telling anyone the details of the abuse I encountered when I was a little girl.
Today, I have you in my life, God. Each day I’m learning more about you, dear God. I believe in you and that you have carried me throughout my life, like the “Foot Print Prayer.” I’m alive, whereas I should be dead from consuming so much alcohol into my body. I’m grateful to you, God, for saving my life. Thank you for all your beautiful teachings. Love, peace, joy, patience, tolerance, kindness, understanding, and the Bible says, “Think about things that are true, and honorable and right and pure, and beautiful and respected.” Philippians 4:6-8 This is the way I want to live my life. I believe the gospel is telling me the truth and that it says, “The Lord is my light and the one who saves me. I am afraid of no one.” Psalm 27-1-14
Having faith in you today is fantastic. My heart grows more and more each day. You always listen when I tell you about my past or today’s troubles. I’m truly happy when I write to you because I can tell you anything and know that there is always an answer in the Bible, and I find my answers through prayer. Thank you for loving me as a sinner.
