October 23, 2022

Dear God, good morning. Today’s reading is about “Faith.” Today my faith is stronger than ever. Before I began to believe in you, God, I was running amuck in my life. I was alone, drinking at home because it is very dangerous for me to be alone, drinking in bars, and blacking out. Drinking alcohol at home was safer for me. I would only drink at four p.m. Happy Hour! I was trying to control my drinking. I figured that if I only drank at four, maybe I could become a social drinker. I switched from Captain Morgan to a gallon of red wine. When four o’clock hit, I would pour a glass of wine, and if it were summertime, I’d water the wine down with ice.
I was getting drunk at home, and my husband did not know what to do with me because I justified my drinking to him. I gave him all kinds of excuses for drinking red wine every night until midnight. My drinking got out of control fast. The progression of alcohol snuck up behind me. I was drinking close to a gallon of wine within three days. I was getting sicker by the day. I physically could not drink anymore because I was vomiting up the alcohol and having dry heaves. I should have gone to detox.
I wanted to get sohba again. I cried out to you, Jesus, and you were there for me. You placed my sister Sunflower at my apartment so that we could care for one another. She suffers from bipolar too. And she was feeling very depressed. Her depression lasted for months, maybe five months or more then she became hyper. Sunflowers doctors are blind to seeing my sister suffer from high anxiety and bipolar disorder. My sister Sunflower nursed me back to health while I was detoxing. Thank you, Jesus, for sister Sunflower.
I always knew, Jesus, that you were always there for people. I had no faith in you most of my life. That’s a long time of not believing in you, and I refused you. And I’m so sorry. I thought your love saved the people who go to church. I was an atheist, not a practicing atheist, but a woman filled with fear most of my life and scared of everything. But I always had the fellowship to go to. You created the fellowship because we all come together in your name. Most people believe in you, Jesus, or they say Higher Power, and others believe in other religions.
My faith in you brings me so much joy. Writing to you brings me closer to you, God. What I feel in my heart is that I love you more than anything else in this world. Then the Bible writes, Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and makes it perfect. He suffered death on the cross. But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God’s throne.” Hebrew 12:1-2 God, you gave me so much faith it fills me up, overflowing with the fruits of your love for me. I love you, Jesus.

Relapse and Rationalizing

Social Drinking