Step-4
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Step 4:
Made a searching a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
After being in the program a while and getting through the first three steps, I’ll admit I was a little nervous about step 4. People told me it was the “the make it or break it” step and how some folks even relapsed during this time because it brought back a lot of trauma. I mean hell, who wants to revisit the past that we shoved so far deep down into our souls that we tried to forget? But, we have to be FEARLESS. Some things we have to just do afraid. If we ever wait to have our ducks in a row to do things, we may never do anything. I had to remind myself that all this stuff I was putting down on paper had already happened, and I am still here, alive. All the bad things that happened are memories and the only “beautiful trauma” that breathes in all this, is me. Slap it on paper, get it out, and be done, right? Sounded easy enough. WHEW! Boy, did I feel scared, I felt raw, vulnerable, exposed, and all the other words that make us feel the “ick”. It kicked up so much dust it resembled nothing short of a dust storm during the monsoon season in the Desert southwest. Once the dust settled, my experience with a 4th step was a breakthrough. You see, I always journaled. In fact, I have boxes and boxes of journals I kept from the past 20 years of barfing my guts on paper, so after I started writing, it got easier. These things wanted to come out. The pain was heavy and my words dropped onto the paper like they belonged. Even when I got to the parts where I hurt others, where I was prideful, resentful, and ashamed my spirit had been waiting 20 years to give it away. It’s a healing step. It’s our inventory that we say “here God” it is yours now. It is no longer mine. Take this from me. I can no longer carry it. The truth of the matter is, as long as we hold all that pain and resentment inside, there isn’t much room to allow all the gifts of the program and our HP in. Sobriety needs fresh soil within it, and all the past traumas boiling around in me lost vacancy. It was a freeing experience. I just had to get through some pain, but hey growth sometimes hurts, ever had growing pains?
Jack Cassar
