Surrender in Recovery
December 12, 2022
Dear God, good morning. I was in a meeting this morning, and we discussed the third step in our literature. I know that it took me forever to surrender to your will. Maybe thirty-five years, and that’s a lifetime. I would not believe in you because my biological body abused me.
It was a painful childhood. My mother would beat us senselessly with our father’s belt buckle. And my father would sexually abuse my sista Denise and me. We had to stand up near the bed and rub my biological father’s back, and his boom boom (ass) as he watched the Celtics play basketball.
I was only six years old rubbing my biological father’s back, and he nicknamed it his ass “Boom Boom.” I should have been in bed at six years old, like normal children, but no, my father picked me up a lot to rub his back, and I would collapse on the thin gray carpet and fall asleep. Then I would hear, “Geraldine get up and rub my boom boom.” And I did what he said, but deep down inside me, I began to hate my biological father. He was a child sex offender and got away with it.
I’m not sure why the topic was about my biological parents this morning. My childhood memories come up in my “Dear God Letters to you, Jesus, most of the time. Maybe because I never really dealt with the sorrow and sadness of my childhood. Memories come and go. My father was dying of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease called COPD.
I forgave my father, but I don’t think I’ve cried about being sexually abused by him. I guess I needed to write about it and give my pain to you, Jesus, because of my hate for both parents. I don’t hate them now, but for many, I hated my biological parents since I was six years old. Hate is a strong word, but both biological parents taught me to hate. It’s the way I felt my whole life.
Today, I need your help with this nanny job. Please be my voice today when I talk with Mukta today. She’s very protective of her son, and I get it. She watches me interact with her son. I need to tell her that every time she comes into the living room, her son wants her. Please bless me with the right words. I love you, and I am sure I need to heal from the abuse from my biological parents. Please guide my thinking and let me help someone today. I love you, sweet Jesus.