Godletters
Faith,  Surrender

Surrender to Win

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December 31, 2022

Dear God, good morning. Today people in the fellowship shared about “Surender.” I floated around the fellowship going to sohba dances with sohba friends, and we went to sohba Anniversary Parties and Sohba Clubs. I just existed in the fellowship. We had a lot of fun, which is a part of sobriety.
However, We have a Big Book and step book to work on our charter defects. Working on my charter defects is not easy. But I trust Terri, my friend, confidant, and sponsor; to tell her about the defects of the charter that hinder my spiritual growth. And I hope that I will feel better.
When my father was in the hospital for ┬áChronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) and an old-timer Bunkie said to me, “Surrender to win, Geri, get out of the boxing ring with alcohol. It knocks you out all the time.” He knew I was upset, but Bunkie knew how to stay sohba. Bunkie was sohba for at least thirty years. His words were harsh but loving. Bunkie did not want me to pick up a drink of booze.
When I went to Morton Hospital to see my father, Tina, Willy’s ex-girlfriend, told me the sad news. I went up to my father as he lay in the hospital bed, tied up with breathing machines and tubes in his mouth and hands. I felt compassion for my father for the first time.
I can’t remember the last time I saw my father. I was hurt by him sexually and mentally as a child, and he blamed me for his sick and twisted mind of wanting sex with him. I was just a baby when he started to sexually abuse me.
I took him to court with Boston District Attorney’s Office (DA). They had a Grand Jury who heard my story and immediately indicted my father on ten charges of sexual abuse of a minor under the age of sixteen. I thought that justice would be done and that my father would spend the rest of his days in prison. And he would have been abused in jail, too, and or killed. Nobody likes a sex offender, especially in prison.
The D.A. office assured me that justice would be served. I was at Wheelock College at the time, and I was studying Social Work so I could help out others in need. I was suffering from childhood memories; during Spring Break, I ended up at Mc Leans Hospital to help cope with my childhood trauma. They gave me anti-depression medicine.
In nineteen-ninety-five, I found out that the DA office never prosecuted my father, even though there were ten indictments from the Grand Jury. There’s a statute of limitation of three years, and the DA had nine months to make its case. I called the DA after ten months of them investigating my case. It turns out that Boston DA did not investigate my father’s crime against me. Even though the Grand Jury indicted my father on ten accounts of child sex abuse.
I was in tears when the DA office told me the statute of limitation ran out, which meant they could never prosecute my father again. Years later, my counselor and I went to the DA office. I told the DA guy, ” If you were Katie Kirkpatrick, I would jump over this table right now for not putting him behind bars. Kirkpatrick had nine months to try the case. She was in charge of my case against my father and was negligent and careless with the ten indictments against my father.
After hearing the news about my father getting away with harming me, I went back to Wheelock College, and I could not concentrate on my studies. My girlfriends were concerned for me. Kristen was my roommate, and she was very concerned for me. Annie, too was worried. I was having flashbacks of being abused. I tried so hard to finish my courses at Wheelock College. The Professors at Wheelock were so kind and helpful. Maybe someday I can finish my degree at Wheelock College. That would be so wonderful!
I know that hating my father hurt him the most. I stopped talking to him in nineteen-ninety-four. Until his death, I asked my father while he was lying in the hospital bed if he was sorry for what he did. He nodded his head up and down. And he squeezed my hand with tears pouring out of my father’s blue eyes. I felt sympathy for my father for the first time. I started crying, too, Tina was with me, and she cried. At that moment, I forgave him.
Forgiveness is so important for me because hating a person is not what God wants. Hating my father almost landed me in the Chelsea Police department. Hate is a distasteful word, and today I can say that I did suffer because I had hate around my heart most of my life. The ice around my heart melted when I forgave my father.
Today I forgave my father before he died. We all were devested. I held my father’s dead body up against my heart and asked you, Jesus, to take him. I know he must be with you now. I love you, sweet Jesus.

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